Nearly 8 years after surgery, today was the 16th time I sat nervously waiting for my PSA result, which ultimately tells if cancer has returned. It wasn't easier than any other time, it never gets easier! Then again, I'm never any less grateful than I was today when, once again, I was given the, 'all clear.'
It's a well-trodden path and one I've begun to study, seeing the familiar patterns recurring and trying to make some sense of the emotional ride.
There are 4 stages of PSA anxiety:
1. The weeks leading up to the test...
In Bangkok I can go at any time without an appointment, I just decide to go on the day, so this minimises any anxiety. In the UK I would have to make the appointment more than a week before so always had it on my mind after that.
2. Waiting for the result once the blood has been taken...
The wait here is an hour so not a big deal, unlike the UK where the result came back 3/4 days later. That was/is not good!
3. When handed the result...
I open the envelope and scan quickly for the magic figure (<0.003), thinking it almost unimaginable that it could be bad, but hoping I could hold it together if it was (Even <0.004 would be a disaster). Today it was again good, but 'good' is too small to cover it, so 'bloody insanely marvelous!' Joy, relief, then sorrow, sadness, then back to happy, all a bit of a mix until it quickly settles at very happy and relieved.
4. Tomorrow...
I'm ready for it! I'll have a day where I feel very down and a little depressed. No idea why, but it's become the pattern, every time the same! Can't work it out but hey, I don't care, I'll smile and I'll think to my self, "You lucky guy!"
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